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The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

@CatholicGuilt

Heading to Paris! A man is dead and the police think only my superhuman knowledge of cryptology can solve this one.

Oh fuck – the police think I killed him!!!

These idiots don't understand this is a CODE! Thankfully, this bangin' – er, beautiful – French girl is helping me out.

Driving to a bank. Good time to exposit the history of all these crazy Catholic secret societies to this French girl – maybe get her hot??

HOLY SHIT!!!! We stole the Codex for a large-scale conspiracy that is conveniently in my area of expertise!

An historian explained rest of complicated conspiratorial legend. It's good we keep track of all this. For the lady's benefit, of course.

WTF!! A FUCKING ALBINO!! My cushy tenure at Harvard did NOT prepare me for all this action!!!

You know that old Italian dude who painted the picture of the smiling lady? He's the key to all of this. LOL, who would have thought?

Police won't stop chasing us! Will tweet all locations; just don't tell the Popo! Or the Pope.

Oh man, this gal is hot. But it's harder than I thought to find romance amidst a global plot to conceal the truth about Jesus Christ.

Taking a breather to solve some puzzles. 'A Pope', anybody? There's so many! Mad props if anyone can solve it.

Thanks to @dudeonthebus. Oh goddamnit, another cryptex? Jesus fucking Christ. Literally.

Can't someone tell this albino and the cops that we're just TRYING TO SOLVE A MYSTERY? It's like a crossword! Everyone needs to CTFO!

Puzzles, puzzles, puzzles all day long.

So you're looking for something. Got a smokin' hot French babe with you. Then it turns out what you're looking for IS that babe. Yeah!

Jesus. The lady is a direct descendant of Christ. All good. Oh what? Another puzzle? Bring on the sequel!

 

Hamlet by William Shakespeare

@OedipusGothplex

My royal father gone and nobody seems to care.

Mom says to stop wearing black.

STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME. I won't conform! I wish my skin would just … melt.

I'm too sad to notice that Ophelia's so sexy and fine. And mother also looks rather fair despite all her struggles.

AN APPARITION! This shit just got HEAVY. Apparently people don't accidentally fall on bottles of poison.

Why is Claudius telling me what to do again? YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD! In fact you killed my real dad. :(

2bornt2b? Can one tweet beyond the mortal coil?

I wrote a play. I hope everyone comes tonight! 7pm! Tickets are free w/ great sense of irony.

Uncle just confessed to Dad's murder.

I had a knife to that fat asshole but bitched out. Now he's alive and still taking to bed with that beautiful wo— … er, my mother.

Gonna try to talk some sense into Mom because boyfriend totally killed Dad. I sense this is the moment of truth, the moment of candour and –

WTF IS POLONIUS DOING BEHIND THE CURTAIN?

I just killed my girlfriend's dad. Does this mean I can't hit that?

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are here, up to their shenanigans. YAWN.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Anyone miss them? Didn't think so.

The gravedigger's comic speech isn't funny at all. It's heavy and meaningful. Just send me YouTube vids instead, pls. I am so borrredddd.

Ophelia just pulled a Virginia Woolf. Funeral is on the morrow.

Laertes is unhappy that I killed his father and sister. What a drama queen! Oh well, fight this evening.

Anybody want a drink? Uh-oh. That went poorly.

@PeopleofDenmark: Don't worry. Fortinbras will take care of thee. Peace.

 

Harry Potter (1–7) by J. K. Rowling

@NotoriousHP

Hello everyone from under the stairs! Aunt and Uncle threw me under here again. Gosh, life is so hard.

That fat fuck Dudley stole all my food! I wish something good or at least interesting would happen to me.

OMG I'm a WIZARD! And my parents are DEAD WIZARDS! Off to magic boarding school. PEACE BITCHES!

OMG Hogwarts OMG I have two friends OMG magic OMG the Slytherins are Nazis OMG there is an EVIL WIZARD out to get me.

Snape a douche! Dumbledore a wise man (but maybe gay?). Voldemort tried to kill me! Flying broomstick! Battle over magic crack-rock!

OMG the year's over. Time goes fast when you're having fun. Goes slow if you have to read seven books with lots of adverbs.

Back to school! Should be a great year! I hope nothing crazy happens like last time.

No! Voledemort is trying to wreck my shit up AGAIN!! I am TIRED of these MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING CASTLE!

Back to school AGAIN! This year definitely better! A dude who tried to kill me turned out OK. Sometimes misunderstandings happen. LOL.

Oh man, big tournament at my school this year!! PSYCHED! I hope nobody dies this year, and every year as if by clockwork.

Competing in a tournament. Also: is it just me, or should they really have a tougher vetting process for Dark Arts teachers?

OMFG VOLDEMORT AGAIN. Don't worry, I have the hang of this by now. Plus there's a secret society out to protect me. Give up already LV.

I AM UNDERGOING A LOT OF ANGST RIGHT NOW. And this Asian girl is giving me a major hard-on. Blue balls suck. No magic potion for it either.

Don't believe anyone who says Voldemort isn't back AGAIN. I KNOW WHAT I SAW!

Big brawl at Ministry of Magic! Sirius is dead. Super-pissed. I just used the torture spell, didn't I? I'm going to Azkaban now, aren't I?

Back to school again! Boy, everything better go well this year or I'm going to eat a wand.

Hey! My friend's sister is totally hot for me. Feels a bit dirty, but yeah baby, you like my scar, don't you? Wanna see my wand?

SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF? THIS IS LIKE THE BIGGEST CLIFFHANGER EVER!!!

Sometimes this guy, Tom, keeps showing up. I don't want him around but I don't have the heart to tell him, because he killed my parents.

NM last tweet. Killed him. Something about a prophecy. Who cares? Last seven years have felt like same one, over and over.

 
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